I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
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