My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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