The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
