You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
