I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
