I must be too annoying 4 u.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
