Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
