Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
