Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
