I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
