The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
