He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Let's get the cat blown out
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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