I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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