Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
