I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
