There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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