And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Everyone says I win the strip club
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
