Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
