i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
