took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
