help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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