You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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