1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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