420 ftw
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
