My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
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He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
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you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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