I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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