i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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