Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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