Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
