I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
