Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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