I just pynch a tree in the face
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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