Apparently you make a good broom.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
