We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
