i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
