please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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