Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
