her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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