my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
