According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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