Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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