genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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