Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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