fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
