I wanna passion pit in your ass
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
