I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just pynch a tree in the face
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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