i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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