Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
