My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
True strength comes from lack of pants
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize