hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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