mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
