No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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