I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
