Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
This girl is more easily done than said...
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
