IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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