we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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