whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
