How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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