Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
