im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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