If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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